The Ultimate Lifeform
by Mr. Internet
Summary: Oh, those wacky genetic experiments! Shadow, Dark Samus, Sephiroth, and the Daleks are up to their normal Bull****, except this time, the only thing between them and victory is each other! So prepare for lots of death, screaming and emo songs! Oh, and I think there's some Moogles and Xenomorphs in here somewhere. I don't know.


A/N: Admittedly, my last two stories have been busts. So, I'm finally taking a project seriously. As a disclaimer, I do not own anything whatsoever. So yeah, pretty much covers anything I might use in this story.

Try not to take this too seriously. It's not meant to be so much a story as it is a parody of the "Perfect Organism" trope. And remember, all toasters do not play PS4 games, unless they do.

::::::::::

During the 2647th millenicycle of the fourth quadrant of the upper Orion arm, a signal was released throughout the universe. It broadcast a message to all: _The ultimate lifeform has come. The time of reckoning is at hand._

As is common with this sort of thing, everybody was fussing about who this ultimate lifeform really was. The humans said it was them, as did the Klingons, Cybermen, Zebesians, Gaians, Farengi, Jovians, Space Pirates, Breen, Borg, Europans, Harkonnen, Q Continuum, and Silurians. It seemed as if every race had suddenly become so egocentric that they would slit each others throats over this simple transmission. Infact, a brave Moogle had even claimed that he and his kin would be the masters of the universe, (kupo!)

But, while the races and collectives and hive minds and whatnot were debating and whining and pissing and moaning, certain individuals decided that they were the ultimate lifeform, and chose to claim their prize by themselves...

::::::::::

Dark Samus levitated into the Space Pirate command room. "WHERE THE HELL IS MY COFFEE?" She bellowed, shaking the walls of the frigate. For ten miserable months, she had been forced onto this boring vessel, accompanied only by her corrupted Space Pirate minions. What kind of life is that for an energy based being from the edge of reality?

A Space pirate quickly retrieved a hot cup of espresso from a nearby counter. "Y-Your coffee, o great one!" His mind had been taken over by the power of phazon, and he now obeyed Dark Samus like a well-trained pooch.

"FINALLY! I've been waiting for this for 1 WHOLE MINUTE!" She looked into the cup, scoffed, and dumped it onto the ground. "I hate coffee."

"O great one," Dark Samus turned round to see a Pirate commander kneeling in the doorway. "We have received a very unusual signal, and we believe it may... interest you..."

She was intrigued. As she glided towards the doorway, she looked back towards the Pirate from earlier. "You were the one who gave me my coffee earlier, correct?"

The Zebesian nodded, expecting a reward.

Under her helmet, Dark Samus smirked. "Good."

She raised her arm cannon, and sent a blast of pure phazon through the Pirate, tearing his body to shreds. She emitted a high, metallic laugh, and exited the room.

::::::::::

She listened to the transmission. _The ultimate lifeform has come. The time of reckoning is at hand._

"Yes..." She said, almost pleasurably. "This... This is perfect!"

She flung her fist into the air. "FINALLY! I CAN GET AWAY FROM THESE PIRATES AND TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!"

"But... O great one!"

"What is it?"

"We need a ship!"

Dark Samus rested her face in her palm. "Really. I wonder where we could GET ONE?" She said angrily, gesturing towards the walls of the battle cruiser they had inhabited for the past 10 months.

The pirate smiled. "Where?"

Dark Samus began to exit the room. "I'm going to let you figure this out by yourselves." And she closed the door.

::::::::::

"HEY."

Dalek 1265 rotated his eyestalk to face Dalek 2856.

"YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE COOL?" 2856 made an odd noise, almost like a giggle, and said " IF WE SHOWED DALEK 9376 THAT ONE VIDEO."

"WHAT VIDEO?" Inquired 1265. 2856 replied. "YOU KNOW WHICH ONE."

"NO I DON... OHHHHH..." 1265 exited the room, and came back with 9376 trailing behind him.

"WELL," 9376 said. "WHAT IS THIS VIDEO THAT YOU WISH TO SHOW ME?"

"JUST SIT DOWN." 2856 replied. "HOLD ON A SECOND." He left the room, and returned with a glass of chocolate milk.

"WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME THIS?" 1265 refused to answer, simply saying "JUST WATCH THE VIDEO AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND."

9376 maneuvered his patented Dalek plunger thingy over to the controls and began the video. He raised the chocolate milk to his official Dalek food insertion hole, and continued viewing the video.

"WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME THESE HUMAN GIR... WAIT, WHAT'S GO... WHAT IS THIS? WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT? THIS IS ABHORRENT! EXPLAIN! EXPLAAAAAAAAIN!"

9376's official Dalek glowy-light thing began flashing on and off, and he continued shrieking as 1265 and 2856 watched his reaction.

"DUDE," 2856 said, "WE ARE SO AWESOME."

"I KNOW."

Suddenly, the screen began flashing. The computer shook, and the whole room seemed to convulse. Finally, a divine voice proclaimed: _The ultimate lifeform has come. The time of reckoning is at hand._

Then the computer returned to normal.

The three Daleks were motionless, shocked by the message.

Eventually, 9376 spoke, saying "WAIT, AREN'T DALEKS THE PERFECT LIFEFORM?" The other two nodded their eyestalks in agreement. "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE AWESOME? IF WE PROVED OURSELVES TO BE THE ULTIMATE LIFEFORMS!"

The three Daleks began discussing their plans and were quite excited, until 1265 said "BUT WAIT, WE HAVE NO SHIP! WE CAN'T JUST USE OUR PATENTED DALEK FLYING THINGYS TO GET EVERYWHERE!"

"And you won't have to!" A voice proclaimed from the opposite end of the room. The three Daleks faced the intruder. "WHO ARE YOU? IDENTIFY!"

The intruder, a rather nasty looking man clothed in black leather, simply replied with "I am the one who will give you what you need."

9376 rolled up to the man. "HOW CAN WE TRUST YOU?" The stranger said "Because without me, you'll have no way of getting off this planet in time for the day of reckoning!"

"WHAT IS THE DAY OF RECKONING?" 2856 asked. "The day the Daleks take over. When the creator comes to take the ultimate lifeform to heaven."

2856 said "HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS INFORMATION?" The man smiled. "Quite simple. I am a Timelord. My name is unimportant, but most know me as The Master. Now, however..."

He knelt before the Daleks. "I am your servant."

::::::::::

"HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE, I MADE MY MISTAAAAAAKE..." Shadow took out his earplugs to listen to a call from Dr. Robotnik. "SHADOW! I need you to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and pick me up some air freshener! Apparently, GROUNDER can't dispose of his OIL properly!"

"Duh, sorry boss!" The dim witted robot said, loud enough for the phone to pick up.

"YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, OLD MAN!" Shadow screamed into the phone, and he hung up.

::::::::::

"That blasted hedgehog!" Dr. Robotnik growled. "He never listens to me. Snively! Get a rag for Grounder so he can clean up his mess!"

Robotnik looked from Snively to Grounder. "Aren't you two from different continuities?"

They shrugged.

Suddenly his phone rang again. He answered it.

"Which store did you need me to go to, again?"

"Bed, Bath, and Beyond."

"Thanks."

::::::::::

As Shadow exited the store, he was greeted by a loud ringing coming from his phone.

"SHADOW! This is the President! I need you take my daughter to the prom! Her boyfriend was secretly a neo nazi, so I threw him into the sun."

"YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, DAMN IT!" He shreiked, and threw the phone on the ground. Shoving his earplugs into his ears he began belting out Evanescence as he started his trek to the White House to pick up the Presidents daughter.

"WAKE ME UP INSIIIDE, WAKE ME UP INSIIIIDE, SAVE ME FRO... Oh, what is it now?" He answered his phone and was greeted by Rouge, who was screaming hysterically.

"SHADOW! YOU SAID YOU WERE BRINGING ME TO KAYS TO BUY ME JEWELERY!" He yelled "YEAH, WELL WHY DONTCHA BUY YOUR OWN DAMN JEWELERY FOR ONCE, YA BIMBO!" Fed up, he crushed the phone in his hands. "Why does everyone tell me what to do! I'm a goddamn hedgehog who can control time, not an errand boy!"

Shadow was obviously quite angry. Running over to a garbage can, he took a good swing at it, and the metal can shattered, pieces flying everywhere. He let out a burst of energy, decimating a nearby building. And so he continued, destroying everything in sight.

After a while he stopped. "Oh, what's the point? Why have all this damn power if I can't use it to fight beings like myself?"

He sighed and sat down on top of a bridge. "If only some ridiculous plot device allowed me to beat the living shit out of a bunch of other people..."

Suddenly, he spied a group of people standing in front of an oh-so conveniently placed T.V. Store, watching something. He magically floated down in front of the crowd to see what was happening.

"This morning, a signal was broadcast throughout all of the universe calling for the "Ultimate Lifeform" to come and find the creator." The station played the transmission. _The ultimate lifeform has come. The time of reckoning is at hand._

A smile crept across the hedgehogs face. This was it! His ticket to glory and freedom!

He grabbed a conveniently placed chaos emerald and screamed "Chaoooos... CUNTROOOOOL!" And dissapeared.

::::::::::

His eyes slowly crept across the screen. His breathing was heavy as he read the words on the monitor. _The ultimate lifeform has come. The time of reckoning is at hand._

He knew what it meant. No, he had always known. He was the one.

He had been created, in her image, to wield true power, power greater than anything ever seen before.

For years he had waited for a chance like this. A chance to come up out of the darkness, and take back what was rightfully his.

He had been chosen by the Planet.

He was... "SEPHIROTH! YOUR BUBBLE BATH IS READY!"

"Mama?" Sephiroth expected his mother, JENOVA to be standing in front of him, but instead found himself face to face with his nemesis, Kefka.

"SOOOOOOOOOO, looks like MAMA'S BOY is missing home!" Sephiroth scoffed. "UGH, your such a jerk, Kefka!"

"Oh, what's wrong, upset that your idiotic plan blew up in your face?"

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE AN EVIL PLAN!" Sephiroth retorted.

"EXACTLY!" Kefka exclaimed. "That way, I can't possibly fail!"

Sephiroth started choking up. "Yeah, well, you're just a big poopy-head, Kefka!" Kefka sneered. "Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware this was KINDERGARDEN!"

Sephiroth couldn't handle anymore. Running into his room, he broke down, and shoved his face into a pillow.

Meanwhile in the hall, Kefka watched the silver-haired menace turn into a blubbering baby. Kuja came round the corner. "Kefka! I thought we were going shopping!" Kefka smiled. "Just let me cherish this moment a little longer Kujie-coo!"

::::::::::

Tears streamed from Sephiroths eyes. "They don't know nothing! I'll show them! I'll become the ultimate lifeform!" He looked out the window, at the stars. "I'm going to make you proud, mommy!"

He made himself some warm milk, read a bedtime story to himself, and went to bed.

::::::::::

And so, the chosen few had been decided. The creator had watched them for ages, seeing who might be the perfect organism.

It was almost time. The time of reckoning.

At last his creation had been... Oh, let's just hurry up and get to the goddamn fanfic!


End file.
